Who I Am

I'm a greener grass on the other side kind of person.
Not all the time - but enough of it.

There are some things that I know I love and made the right choice about - my vanilla organic milk latte at Starbucks, for example. My marriage, for example. Leaving a toxic environment...

But in many ways, I think that if just one thing was different - my entire life would be somehow better.

Sometimes I think that "somehow better" could come from living in a beautiful little bungalow, or moving to a different city, wearing or not wearing lipstick, owning a certain pair of jeans, becoming a gourmet chef, having a baby, cleaning the kitchen sink.

I am quite unsatisfied with the thought that who I am is all that I need to be. That who I am really is the perfect version of me. I would not be a better person, a more intelligent person, even a more attractive person if I looked like or acted like someone else.

I don't know if this makes sense to you ....

I've lived with these fallacies my whole life. Always thinking if just this one thing was different...

But I became acutely aware of it over the last couple of years - since I've been married. It's interesting how being so close to another person reveals so much about what is going on in your own self.

I have a real inability to accept that who I am is exactly, even perfectly, who I need to be.

But I am working on it. I am aware of it.

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In my mind, I don't think about leaving the toxic situation I was in as making a proactive decision for both my personal and professional life. I think of myself as quitting.

And that's something I don't want to let myself off the hook for. Yet - I did do it.

And today, I let go of something else that I realized I was holding onto just to be more like someone else and less like myself.

It's a start.