Winter Break

You know what I like about being a student?
You can have things like Winter Break and Spring Vacation. Those terms don't mean a thing to you when you've got an office job.

It's Winter Break. Hooray.

It's been snowing all week in Corvallis {which I love}.

But it's making nasty weather for my planned trip home for Christmas {which I don't love}.

I am nearly done with all my Christmas shopping. Good for me.

I've resisted the peppermint white mocha {for the most part} and even been to the gym a couple of times.

I'm still trying to swear off sugar until after Hawaii in February but I anticipate that will be especially difficult over the next week.

A girl can dream, right?

Almost There

People.

I am one week away from being done with finals.

And then I might blog here until classes resume. January 12th.

I will probably only talk about my struggle to avoid the fatal peppermint white mocha and copious glasses of wine at holiday parties, which I have written off in attempt to banish the cellulite I see has taken up residence on my thighs.

I must be getting old because along with that, I have gray hair. A lot of gray hair. My husband said he could SEE IT WHILE HE WAS STANDING SEVERAL FEET AWAY FROM ME.

Hellloooo???

Is that something you should say to your wife?

December + January Plans:

*Annihilate cellulite

*Banish gray hair

Salud.

Couldn't Resist...

Friends....

You've noticed that I've been neglectful of this space??

I'm sorry.

New projects, old projects, school, the necessity of sleep and a wish to spend free time cat-napping, attending yoga, or listening to Debussy has contributed to my absence.

You won't be able to find me here for awhile.

But I hope to return.

Lots of Love.

Friday Morning

Hello friends.

I have been so busy elsewhere - there has simply been no time to post here.

But I seem to have found some stolen moments this Friday morning and thought I'd share with you two things:

1) what I dreamed about last night

&

2) what I'm planning for today

To my first point - I've been a very restless sleeper the past few weeks. I've been having nightmares every night. I'm talking - death, destruction, apocalyptic events. Last night, though, I dreamed about breakfast.

To my second point - it appears Fall has finally arrived. It is chilly and grey here. AND I LOVE IT. I'm planning on spending the day napping, lighting candles, taking walks, drinking tea, and maybe later getting around to more serious business.

Um. excuse me. Do you realize that SATC the Movie came out on dvd this week. Yes. It did.

Peace Out.

Mom - This is for You.

Us*

Last summer....

My Baby

He's so ferocious...

*Things I Wish*

*that it was still raining

*that I could take a nap curled up with a cat, every day

*for a bunch of fresh ink pens

*that people still called me Jenny

*for great espresso, everyday

*that I could show you the fabulous, red, jeweled sandals I found yesterday

*for Halloween, every other weekend

*for Fall, every day

*that I could see my family every evening

*that my sisters (all of them) would call more often

*that I could adopt all the stray and forgotten kittens of the world

*that people would stop telling me about the things that make them miserable

*that I had a really good book to read

*that I could stop getting older

*for perfect Posh Spice hair

*that I could eat breakfast at Sam's every day

*that everyone made decent chai tea

*that I could take Bryce on a train ride

*that I could make everyone happy

*that I would be content, just to be me

What do you wish?

Hot

It is over 100 degrees today.

For me, this means:

*vomiting

*shakiness

*fatigue

It's been a great day here.  

Ways to Save Money

1. Read magazines while hiding behind racks of books in Borders. When a sales associate passes near you, furrow your brow and scrutinize the front of the magazine as though you cannot decide if it is *worthy* of your purchase.

2. Check out magazines from the library.

3. Drink crystal light instead of iced tea from the coffee shop next door

4. Wash your hair less. Thus, saving shampoo.

5. Watch tv on the internet {and cancel your cable}

6. Drink Americanos as opposed to Lattes

7. Exercise more. Shop less.

8. Use coupons

9. Invite yourself to dinner at the home of friendly people

10. Have your sister wax your eyebrows {a risk full of danger, yet, a thrifty choice}.

Meditate on This

Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which cold not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the question now. Perhaps then, some day far in the future, you will gradually without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.

{Rainer Maria Rilke translated by Stephen Mitchell}

glimpsed on a cuff by Jeanine Payer

Reduce

I'm embarking on a journey of reduction.
I won't bore you with all the details.

Basically, a conversation this weekend prompted a thought that's been in the back of my mind to move toward the front.

And because of that, I'm making a choice to shop locally, and sustainably.
This means: buying food from places I've heard of and could drive to if I wanted, recycling items that occupy permanent space {like furniture and clothes} by shopping resale and supporting local designers that create and manufacture their goods locally.

A lofty goal, but one I'm excited to move toward!
You should think about joining me...

Last.Fm

I wouldn't tell you to go here if it wasn't amazing....

Last.fm

Hanging Out....

So, I am wandering the campus of the UO while Lala is with her orientation group, and my mother is attending a parent's seminar.
Can you say {boring}?

So I decided to wander.

And I am pleasantly surprised by how lovely this campus is and how many beautiful old buildings it houses.

And basically on campus there is a Starbucks, an American Apparel, many Japanese and Mediterranean restaurants and tons of public transportation.

People, I think I got screwed over with my small, liberal arts college experience.

Go Ducks!

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?

My Mother and Lala.
How wonderful, is it not?

Lala is attending her collegiate orientation and I get to go too.
My plan is to pretend to be an incoming freshman and royally EMBARRASS her.

hip hip hooray!

{sorry for the lack of posting}

Give it to Me, NOW!!

Bonjour.

I want these things *right now*
Get them for me, please.

{a mexican hot cocoa}
{a bicycle for cruising}
{a mojito}

thank you.

You Know Who You Are...

You should blog a little more! And get back to Friday Dump Days!
And you who shall not be named, where is my 5 sentence minimum e-mail?

Love, Sissy

Ch-ch-ch-Changes

Let's take a look at where we were approximately one year ago:
Dot was doing this...

I was having a grumpy Fourth of July (VQ food aside)...

My genius nephew...

This silly girl had no idea how nasty the year ahead was going to be...


And here we are now:
Peter looking like a drunken sailor...

Not good pics of the blonde hair...


But I am enjoying it, thank you very much.

Busy

My absence may have something to do with being uber-busy with various freelance projects.
I don't anticipate it to slow down.
If you want to see one of the projects taking all of my attention(and don't already know what I'm talking about), e-mail me.

Bad Day

What is up.
I've been having a series of bad days.
It doesn't help that it is 100 degrees here.

Will update when I have something cheery to say.

Peace Out.

Music

You should be listening to these ladies if you are not, already ...



Eva Cassidy, Rachael Yamagata, and Neko Case (or Neko Case & Her Boyfriends)

My Mom

Don't you think we look alike? I *heart* her. xoxo

Holiday...Celebrate...

Have fun cleaning out your garage! (you know who you are...)

Marilyn

Do blondes really have more fun?

We're about to find out....

Explanation

The Uh-Oh title from the previous post means I am indeed feeling the punishing effects of the actual milk in my coconut iced coffee.
I am truly lactose intolerant.

Uh-Oh

It is Wednesday - a freelancing day for me.
Thus far I have done the following:
*went to a chiropractic appointment. I *adore* them.
*caught up on some necessary phone calls
*drank coffee #1 (iced with soy)
*bought a wedding card for a weekend celebration
*got my eyebrows waxed
*talked on the phone some more
*solved the mysterious Alyx crisis (thanks to Kellie)
*drank coffee #2 (iced with coconut and milk - oops, I'll pay for that later)
*bought the cat some supplies
*worked on some grad school stuff
*currently working on freelance projects

That's all. Thought you'd like to know (in case you're uber bored). Also, you should listen to the Alison Krauss/Robert Plant album. A.maz.ing.

Tagged

I've been tagged, dear friends! By the lovely Cuffington.
And since I feel guilty for having been tagged before and always ignoring it (and also, possibly because I am trying to avoid doing the freelance job I am supposed to be completing today) and since I'm a little loopy on all the Benadryl I've been consuming today (grass allergies are the worst, just the worst), I am going to DO THE MEME!!

What were you doing ten years ago?
I was a high school graduate, getting ready to go off to college and fully prepared to reinvent myself. I aspire to the church of "I will be happier if I only...looked prettier/lost 10 pounds/behaved more mysteriously/got new friends/lived somewhere else/bought a new lip gloss."
Essentially, I find myself believing my life will be infinitely better if I just reinvent myself as someone else.
One of the ways I was preparing to morph into a glamorous, artsy collegiate gal was by changing my name. I hatched a plan to introduce myself as "Jen" rather than the Jenny I'd been my whole life. After all, what kind of glamorous artistic person is named Jenny? Jen was so much more alluring. And it worked.
Was I successful? Well, the name change stuck. No one has since called me Jenny - except for my husband, he always has - I have no idea why, and my dear friend, Emi NG. In my desperate effort to change into something better, I lost many of the qualities that made me, well, me. And it's taken a long time to get some of those back. I'll always have that desire to become something else, but the truth I know is true is that the very best version of me already resides deep inside...the place where there is stillness and sureness. It's allowing her to surface that's tricky.

What are five things on your to-do list today?
*Finish my freelance project
*Rent episodes of Weeds to watch while the Boy is off doing man-like things with his friends for the weekend
*Tidy the place up
*Martini night at Strega
*Attempt to stay cool in the sudden heat wave

Snacks you enjoy?
Starbucks(sorry Catie)doubleshots on ice with soy milk, edamame, salty chips with salsa, frozen Junior Mints, and gluten-free chocolate chip cookies.

Places you've lived?
*La Grande, OR
*Redmond, OR
*Priest River, ID
*Kettle Falls, WA
*Colville, WA
*McMinnville, OR
*Portland, OR
*Corvallis, OR

Not very exciting

What are 5 things you would do if you were a billionaire?
1. Pay off all my debt and the debt of those I love
2. Take a serious sabbatical to a tropical destination
3. Buy a sweet bungalow cottage for the 3 of us
4. Eat a lot of good food at good restaurants
5. Leverage the rest of it for major social and philanthropic entrepreneurial pursuits

People you want to know more about?
My parents, my grandparents, my sisters. The girl I saw 3 days ago that I know I know from somewhere but can't place; almost everyone I come in contact with. Our stories are what make this tapestry so beautiful.

I'll be kind and not tag any of you today..

My Dad

I like him. xoxo

Where The Heart Is

Today, I'd rather be in the big LG. Surrounded by the mountains, and family. A trip to The Hut for a crushed ice polar bear...that's where I want to be.

*photo by Natalie

Dear Ones....

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

--ee cummings

Apologies ... and Aprons

Yo Yo, homeys.

Firstly, apologies are in order. Over the past few months I realize I have been grumpy, unstable, and generally, crazy. Mom, I am sorry for freaking out every time I talk to you. Husband, I am sorry for the insanity.

I am attracting negative energy. Thusly, bad things are happening. Like, my mac dying this morning - right when I needed it for a meeting. Like, the cds I burned that should teach me about choosing peacefulness not working in my cd player. Hah! Even karma is against me. My goal today is to NOT ATTRACT THE NEGATIVE ENERGY. Shoo! Stay away!

Here are some pics I took in attempt to show you, a) my skunk hair, and b) my cute apron:





Today, I am washing my counter tops with Dr. Bronners Peppermint cleanser. You should too.
Peace out.

How Hard Can It Be

I am grumpy about my hair.
And I am so irritated that it sucks *every time* I stay in this stupid town to have it done.

Hello! I am telling you exactly what I want!! Why aren't you listening to me???

I think I am sick. Or having a late-season allergy attack - whatever is going on, it is not pleasant.

Hope your hair is better than mine.
xoxo

O.M.G.

So now I have skunk hair. You know, like those women who bleach the top of their head and color what's underneath dark...

That is me.

I mock those women.

But in the last 4 days I've had bleach, color, toner and numerous sittings under the dryer to try and correct the red disaster.

Not only will my hair fall off if I do one more thing to it - but I will poop my pants over the cost of fixing what is not right.

So I am giving up. It needs to rest for several, several weeks and then we will see.

Crap.

The Shiz

I am always thinking of so many great blog post ideas - like, while I'm in the middle of rooting through a bag of mostly shiznet and then pull out a pair of bee-you-tiful Manolo Blahniks. But by the time I get around a computer, I have lost the great idea. Sometimes, some little remnant remains. Like one sentence that would have gone somewhere in the middle that I'd planned out in my head. But the rest of it is lost.
I apologize about these lost posts. No doubt, this blog would be infinitely more stunning with them.

I missed Friday dump day - so here goes.

*I had a fender bender on Wednesday night that was basically a lose-lose situation. Like, there were only two possible moves to make and someone was going to get hit no matter what. So I chose the least offensive hit. And the girl I bumped (read: early 20's recent college grad with a brand new jetta) was PISSED. She yelled and then lectured, and then yelled some more. What ever. The claims adjuster that I spoke to on the phone was this sweet Indian lady who kept telling me that I needed to "look at the bigger picture in life". Hmmmm....prophetic.

*I haven't had my color done in probably 4 months. And you know, it still looked pretty rockin. I can atribute that to the awesome sylist and colorist I'd been seeing in Portland. But circumstances have changed and jaunts to Portland for hair appointments no longer seem like a good idea. So I saw someone here. And now, my hair is red. I didn't really notice it at the salon - under their light it just looked chestunty with the occasional auburn highlight. When I got up from the chiropractor's table about an hour post-color, and looked in the mirror, I almost fell over. Red, my friends. Bright red. What the shiz.

*It is still cloudy and cold and possibly rainy here. And it is June.

*And to Lala's last point - what the shiz.

Best. Song. Ever.

I bought this cd two summers ago and listed to "Heart of the Matter" for about 4 weeks on repeat.

I rediscovered it when they started playing it on SATC previews.

And now it's on repeat again.

Heavenly

These candles are my absolute favorite. I burn twentyfourseven glam and french market in different rooms. The result is ah-maz-ing.

SATC

I was really, really disappointed by this movie. And I am a *huge* fan of the series...I mean I LOVE it. I have never seen an episode I didn't like.

And I loved the fashion in the movie, and there were moments that I loved but I left the theatre with tears in my eyes because it was SO NOT WHAT I WANTED IT TO BE.

More later.

Lunch Date

I have a lunch date today at my favorite restaurant. Woo-hoo.

Morning Rituals

Since I *quit* my job two months ago - I have developed a rather strict morning ritual that I simply must follow. It is the only way to feel as though a day has begun well.

Here's the list:

1) wake up, feed It, turn on the Today Show
2) do a series of leg pilates while watching the news
3) empty the dishwasher or make the bed
4) make a pot of coffee
5) turn on the computer
6) make breakfast
7) eat breakfast, drink coffee, while reading EVERY BLOG on my favorites list
8) check gmail
9) do a quick clean up/run through

then, and only then, can I shower and begin the day.
What is your morning ritual?

xoxo

The Graduation

Lala graduated from high school this weekend. The Boy and I made the long drive to celebrate with her and the rest of my family....
Mom, Holly, Becca and I got to the high school super early and stood in line to ensure good seatage.

Here I am looking like I have gone insane or had one too many Starbucks.

The Graduate with Steven and his brother (who rode his motorcycle to the ceremony...in a tux).

Emily and the proud mama

The Boy and the Girl

Sisters, Sisters

And here we are again...

And now it gets really exciting. Here I am imparting long boarding advice to Rebecca.

I have skills

So does Becca

We need a nap

Peter chased Bryce around for a good 30 minutes. He loved hiding under his canopy and being "found".

Aunt Sister and the baby

That pretty much sums it up. Congratulations, Emily!!

Already...

It is Wednesday morning, just after 10 am and already I have done the following things:

** returned and made 4 phone calls

** took the injured scion to its appointment with the body shop

** got a chai

** located and purchased the amazing chaco flip flops for my mother

** made a phone call to the university to figure out why I am having a hard time registering for Fall classes

** made breakfast

Nice.

Happy Un-Birthday

Today is the day before The Boy's birthday. To start off the celebration, we were planning a trip to a waterfall and a hike in the suddenly sunny and 70 degree weather.

Instead, we ended up in the ER for 3 hours.

I have a cervical strain. The Boy has a big bump on his forehead.

Hope we have better luck tomorrow.

Friday Dump Day

Another installment of Friday Dump Day! good golly holly!

Things to Dump:

*No food in my fridge or cabinets ... need to go grocery shopping

*And I am hungry

*Tired. Didn't sleep last night. Very tired.

*Stupid people

*Rain. It was 90 degrees here! And now it's 50 and raining! What the hay!!??

That's about it.

Peace out.

Ugh.

It is Wednesday - a day I reserve for freelance projects, cleaning up around the house, and running errands.

But the Boy came home sick yesterday, and even though I kept all the windows open overnight (to kill invading germ bugs) I still woke up in the early morning with a shaky stomach. So irritating.

It might turn into a sleeping and drinking lots of fluids day.

Nearly-Summer Soundtrack

A little Duffy...

Some Bitter Sweet...

Add Gnarls, and you have a perfect mix.

A Conversation

So, I work with this uber-sweet girl. She's smart, talented, funny, beautiful....
This is the conversation we have today, wherein she is telling me how different her parents are - like, polar opposites (and no longer together).

Her: My mom is this, straight-laced, professional, accountant.

Me: What does your dad do?

Her: (covering the side of her face to shield her answer from prying eyes) He was a pimp.

Me: (the sound of uncontrollable laughter, as I have hit the floor and am trying not to pee my pants)

Are you serious?

Her: Yeah, think of like, the stereotypical pimp and that's my dad.

Me: Um..purple hat, cadillac?

Her: (nodding her head) yep....and a big, huge black man.

Oh my goodness. I love it.

In Response...

This post is written to a certain someone - you know who you are. If this is not you, sorry - please hang in there.

I admit to being "in love" many times. But understanding the nature of love and being capable of experiencing (receiving and giving) real, mountain-moving love, has taken many years to glimpse just the edge of. I mean this toward all kinds of persons - from family that I've loved instantly and selfishly, to the Divine, to friends, to romantic relationships.

The first time I liked a boy, my friend and I rode our bikes past his house more than a dozen times a day just to see if he was home. We sang duets as we rode down his street. Cause we were just that dorky. And we wanted to show off our skills. Then, we would lay around in one of our bedrooms and listen to "I Swear" (the country version) and wish desperately that the phone would ring. This boy was never my boyfriend, but we did dance together at a middle school dance and I thought I was going to POOP MYSELF, it was so exciting. And then we kind of never talked again and I thought I might die it was so excruciatingly sad.

The first time a boy liked me - I am certain I was too young for such a thing. We raced each other at Wednesday night church events - again, I was intent upon showing my skills (fast running and smooth corner turning), but I didn't really care about the boy. He called my house one night and my dad (gasp) answered the phone and HUNG UP ON HIM after saying something, like, "No - she is too young to talk on the phone!"

I had a *big crush* in high school on this star basketball player. But he had a very steady girlfriend. One summer they broke up and he started inviting me to watch movies at his house. And then he kissed me. And then, like the next day, he got back together with his ex. Dickhole. And I thought I might die.

This kid that lived down the street from us had a *big crush* on me in high school. He was a country singer and drove a big truck and had a wiener dog named Norman. He went to church all day on Sunday. He was a little too intense for me.

During my last year of high school, I started hanging out with this guy who was much older than me. He worked at a coffee shop and wrote poetry and was all angst-ridden. Lots of girls wanted to be his girlfriend. And we were kind of a thing. And I really, really liked him. He smoked cigars and sang in a band and being with him was very dramatic and angst-ridden, and when I thought he was getting bored of me, or when he didn't return my phone calls, I spent lots of nights sobbing in my bedroom. But I was going to college and he was going - no where. So I left and it wasn't that bad, actually. I had lots of college-ing to do. But somewhere between us "hanging out" and me being at school for a few weeks - he decided he actually loved me, or something. And there was this awful, dramatic, back and forth thing for weeks until it was finally just over. And again, I thought I might die because I was just so sad.

And then I dated this college guy who did weird things like played video games all day long and attended class in his pajamas, and danced like a monkey on crack at parties. We broke up in a Toys'R'Us parking lot because I was in love with his best friend. And, plus, it was more like some weird freak show to see the two of us dating - it was mostly for the amusement of everyone around us, not because we actually had a thing for each other.

And then I started dating his best friend. And I knew - immediately - that he was it for me. But things were hard for us, and eventually, we broke up too, lots of times, actually. And it was very, very difficult. When we broke up the last time - I moved across the state. We would talk on the phone every once in a while and it was so gut-wrenching, I could feel my heart breaking apart. I spent hours crying in the garage because I thought no one could hear me there. And one night, my mom found my crying in bed. I remember talking to her for a long time, but all I can remember saying was, "I didn't think it would hurt this much."

But then I realized that my life - who I was - was not about him. And my life could not stop because of him. And so I moved on. Slowly at first...with lots of backsliding and moping around. But then, one day, I realized that it didn't hurt as much. And it kept hurting a little less and a little less. And you know what? Amazing things happened in my life. I had alot of interesting experiences - I learned alot about who I was - I made changes that were important. I made decisions for me, not for anyone else. I grew up. I dated other people.

And then, I fell back in love with him. In our own way, in our own time, we found each other again. And it was lovely. And it was the right time.

My point is that this might be just the first of many painful disentanglements you will experience. And there is nothing in the world that can make it better except for time. And remembering that there is a whole world in front of you and every puzzle piece works its way into place in time. Maybe a long time. Don't let your experiences disempower you. Let them make you stronger, more interesting, more uniquely you. When it's time to write the end of the chapter - don't be afraid to do it. Because another chapter is just around the corner.

And - I am sorry about your spider bite.

You are in my heart.
*image from here

Friday Dump Day

Friday is Dump Day. A weekly occurrence where I call my younger sister, LaLa, and ask her what she has to dump.
It started out, not so much as a bad attitude outlet - but because declaring this holiday seemed to ensure a weekly phone conversation.

LaLa has suggested we dump via blog on Fridays since she is now a blogger. I am agreeing to this - but DON'T THINK IT GETS YOU OUT OF A WEEKLY PHONE CONVO.

Things to dump:

1. Heat. Overnight, it went from low 60 degree temps to the 90+ weather we'll have this afternoon. And in the hundreds over the weekend. I do not do well in really warm temperatures. I physically and emotionally melt down.

2. Stupid people, arrogant people, pretentious people, Coach-carriers, fearful people, petty people, peroxide blondes, pill poppers, and small furry dogs.

3. Insecurity.

4. Having to wait for 2 weeks for the season finale of Lost.

5. People who keep asking me if I'm in high school. Hello! Approaching 30!!

6. Food. Blach. I am bored of all the food choices right now. I just want olives, vitamin water, and something with coconut.

7. Choices. Can someone else please just take over the part of my daily existence where choices must be made?

8. Dot's incessant whining for food.

9. My nasty looking fingernails and toenails. Pedi-mani - please!

THINGS I LOVE...And don't want to dump

1. The Posh bob

2. Can You Duet

3. SJP on the cover of Vogue

4. Caribbean islands

There you have it. Now to take care of those toenails....

Rough Day

I am having a rough day.
For no good reason.

I just feel bummed out and a little sad and it is gray and cloudy outside and a little on the chilly side. And I just wish it wasn't.

I need an upper.

Help.

Pray I Don't Fall Off ....

This past Monday (May 5th - Cinco de Mayo) was an anniversary of sorts. Nine years ago, Peter and I started dating.

As a gift, he got me a LONGBOARD. And I have been practicing.

And I am pretty good.

But I don't have:

a) a helmet

b) medical insurance

So keep your fingers crossed.

Signs

Last week I had a dream about a note one of my professors wrote me my senior year of college - right before graduation. In my dream, I read the note and was confused by it - maybe even a little offended - and I put it in a box, underneath many other papers.

The weird thing is - one of my professors really did write me a note the week before graduation that I really didn't understand and I read it once, fast - and put it away. I knew exactly where it was, so I went to the box and pulled it out from in between piles of old birthday cards and old day planners.

The letter starts off with this -

Dear Jen,
You are almost perfect but what I admire the most about you is when you screw up.

The rest of the letter talks about not having to be perfect. About allowing myself to be human. It's embarrassing that I can't say I remember any specific event that would have inspired the writing of this letter - so....it must have been just me.

Later that SAME DAY....

My life coach sends me an e-mail...just checking in on how I'm doing and what I'm feeling. And she says she saw a tee shirt that she should have bought me. It said, "Live imperfectly."

Ha ha.

Apparently, the universe is intent upon making sure I get the message.

Who I Am

I'm a greener grass on the other side kind of person.
Not all the time - but enough of it.

There are some things that I know I love and made the right choice about - my vanilla organic milk latte at Starbucks, for example. My marriage, for example. Leaving a toxic environment...

But in many ways, I think that if just one thing was different - my entire life would be somehow better.

Sometimes I think that "somehow better" could come from living in a beautiful little bungalow, or moving to a different city, wearing or not wearing lipstick, owning a certain pair of jeans, becoming a gourmet chef, having a baby, cleaning the kitchen sink.

I am quite unsatisfied with the thought that who I am is all that I need to be. That who I am really is the perfect version of me. I would not be a better person, a more intelligent person, even a more attractive person if I looked like or acted like someone else.

I don't know if this makes sense to you ....

I've lived with these fallacies my whole life. Always thinking if just this one thing was different...

But I became acutely aware of it over the last couple of years - since I've been married. It's interesting how being so close to another person reveals so much about what is going on in your own self.

I have a real inability to accept that who I am is exactly, even perfectly, who I need to be.

But I am working on it. I am aware of it.

*

In my mind, I don't think about leaving the toxic situation I was in as making a proactive decision for both my personal and professional life. I think of myself as quitting.

And that's something I don't want to let myself off the hook for. Yet - I did do it.

And today, I let go of something else that I realized I was holding onto just to be more like someone else and less like myself.

It's a start.

Stormy Sky

The sky is a dark slate gray, and far, far away on the horizon it shifts to a softer, cooler gray. It's not dark yet, and the world takes on a hushed, ethereal tone under the presence of the sky.

I am sitting in front of my living room window, taking in all that is without.
It is so lovely.

The light falls as though it is a heavy fog, being pulled by its own weight to the floor of the earth. Everything - even the semi-truck boasting the seal of the United States Army in the deserted, dusty lot next to my building and the ever present stream of traffic to the east of my living room - seems enchanted by the night.

*

Every once in a while, when the world seems particularly unfriendly and the circumstances of life reveal another winding, confusing knot of twists and turns, and nothing seems quite right - I notice something beautiful, if even just for a moment, and I remember that everything really is gonna be all right.

*

And then, in a flash, it might be gone. Even now, in the four minutes it's taken me to write this, the light has vanished. The color of the night sky is less fantastic than moments before and the glimmer has been replaced by a duller, flatter layer of black. It is just the night. Creeping up on the world as it does at the end of every day. Tucking us under its wings, and lulling us to sleep beneath its weight.

*

Good night.

Hola

We're having a lazy Sunday here - the best kind of a Sunday to have.
Slept in - ate breakfast that included some really great strawberry rhubarb jam that I found at the farmer's market yesterday - walked downtown to sit in front of Starbucks with lattes - and now we're making turkey burger sliders. Yum.

Peace out*

A Promise.

Stephen (or Steven - how embarrassing that I don't know) and Emily have vowed to help me come up with either:
a) a skateboard
or
b) a longboard

I do not wish to pay $180 for either, and that is the only price I seem to be able to locate them at. Hopefully, S & E will find some penniless high schooler who wants to trade her/his board for a few bucks.

See - now your commitment to aiding my cause is on the internet and you are indebted to holding up your end of the bargain.

Oh, and please inform me of the correct spelling of S's name. That way I will not humiliate myself publicly. again.

Sick

My boy is sick. He is curled up in bed and has been for the past 5 hours or so. In typical man-like fashion, he cannot really articulate what hurts or what he needs but I know he must really feel crappy to come home early from work. That never happens.

So I am doctoring. My recipe for doctoring includes chicken noodle soup, some on-sale homeopathic stuff from the market and heavy blankets washed with tide, hot from the dryer. That, my friends, will put us on the road to wellness.

I had a productive day today - meeting with some freelance clients, discovering where I can find a secure wireless connection on the side of the road if pulling over to check my e-mail becomes a necessity, volunteering myself for something I shouldn't have (since I just decided that I need to make a concerted effort to rest...not be busy), going to the gym, designing some cheap business cards with the help of Office Max (not the ideal end result - but pretty darn good at $29.99 for a custom design and 250 cards), and going to the grocery....twice.

I am pretty certain I'll come down with something since the boy is sick and I share the same square footage with him....but I need to be well tomorrow for a project. So I can be sick on Friday but must be well on Saturday because it is finally supposed to stop hailing/snowing here and magically warm to the mid-60's.
Hello global warming.

Ciao, lovelies.

A Summation

Happy Monday!
Just a quick note to update you about the interesting things that occurred over the last 3 days.

On Saturday...
I was invited to an amazing dinner party where I ate mussels for the first time and discovered that I actually like them. I also ate a lot of other great food and had stellar wine and got to talk about art all night long. Which made me very, very happy.

On Sunday...
I rested.

On Monday...
I ran into a girl I went to high school with. I have not seen anyone I went to high school with, since high school. Since my freshman year of college, I have never been back to the town I attended high school in. It was trippy.

On Monday I found a great corn soft taco and pico de gallo for $3.50 in a hole in the wall downtown.

On Monday I also completed the final part of the chapter of my professional life I am closing. Moving on from. It was nice to get a bit of closure.

And now it is time for Jon & Kate Plus 8. Then Samantha Who. Then Sex & the City.

Halleluj.

Trying to Make Up My Mind...

I can't decide if my blog should be more like
this
or
this.

Shall I be wickedly funny and honest? Or cute and aesthetically pleasing??

Hot Hair

Omg.
Check out the lovely Emily's new hair.
Super cute.

Happy Birthday

Today is my mom's birthday.
Happy birthday, mom.
Here is what I hope you are eating, in honor of another year:

And I wish I was eating them with you. They look dang good.
I love you.

That Girl

I love it. Jeans, long hair, a huge blue bag. The only thing I would change is the shoes. I think she's wearing boots and I would switch them out for flip-flops.
I just want a life where I can wear jeans, a t-shirt, and flip-flops every day.

Please fashionistas, don't be horrified. I promise to at least have great hair, like this girl.

Image from here.

Sk8r Girl

I want a long board.
I am serious.
I want to learn how to skate board.

I want to skateboard down the street with a sparkly beverage in one hand - holding my balance with the other.

Is that legal???!!!

A Better Monday

Today is the first Monday I've experienced in a *long while* where my first instinct at the end of the day was not to lay on the floor and stare at the ceiling struggling to decompress.

I think that's a good sign - although right now, nothing necessarily feels good. Mostly, everything seems confusing and tangled and blurry. And mostly, I feel crappy. As per usual, I have convinced myself that I am at fault and responsible for what has been done to me. Even though it is not my fault and I worked very hard to create something positive.

But. I am working hard (or as hard as I can) to move beyond it, to remember what I love about life and where I find joy and remember who I am because of the experiences I've had. In every ugly black cloud of nastiness, there is opportunity.

**********************************************************

I was tired of the old blog. It was so focused on a particular year of my life and the way I was feeling and the muck I was wading through - I wanted it to go away. I wanted a blank slate. Tabula rasa. So here it is. A recounting of the journey, of moving from the dark to the light, of falling down and remembering that it is possible to get back up (although a lot of stumbling will probably be involved). Thanks for joining me.