Who I Am

I'm a greener grass on the other side kind of person.
Not all the time - but enough of it.

There are some things that I know I love and made the right choice about - my vanilla organic milk latte at Starbucks, for example. My marriage, for example. Leaving a toxic environment...

But in many ways, I think that if just one thing was different - my entire life would be somehow better.

Sometimes I think that "somehow better" could come from living in a beautiful little bungalow, or moving to a different city, wearing or not wearing lipstick, owning a certain pair of jeans, becoming a gourmet chef, having a baby, cleaning the kitchen sink.

I am quite unsatisfied with the thought that who I am is all that I need to be. That who I am really is the perfect version of me. I would not be a better person, a more intelligent person, even a more attractive person if I looked like or acted like someone else.

I don't know if this makes sense to you ....

I've lived with these fallacies my whole life. Always thinking if just this one thing was different...

But I became acutely aware of it over the last couple of years - since I've been married. It's interesting how being so close to another person reveals so much about what is going on in your own self.

I have a real inability to accept that who I am is exactly, even perfectly, who I need to be.

But I am working on it. I am aware of it.

*

In my mind, I don't think about leaving the toxic situation I was in as making a proactive decision for both my personal and professional life. I think of myself as quitting.

And that's something I don't want to let myself off the hook for. Yet - I did do it.

And today, I let go of something else that I realized I was holding onto just to be more like someone else and less like myself.

It's a start.

Stormy Sky

The sky is a dark slate gray, and far, far away on the horizon it shifts to a softer, cooler gray. It's not dark yet, and the world takes on a hushed, ethereal tone under the presence of the sky.

I am sitting in front of my living room window, taking in all that is without.
It is so lovely.

The light falls as though it is a heavy fog, being pulled by its own weight to the floor of the earth. Everything - even the semi-truck boasting the seal of the United States Army in the deserted, dusty lot next to my building and the ever present stream of traffic to the east of my living room - seems enchanted by the night.

*

Every once in a while, when the world seems particularly unfriendly and the circumstances of life reveal another winding, confusing knot of twists and turns, and nothing seems quite right - I notice something beautiful, if even just for a moment, and I remember that everything really is gonna be all right.

*

And then, in a flash, it might be gone. Even now, in the four minutes it's taken me to write this, the light has vanished. The color of the night sky is less fantastic than moments before and the glimmer has been replaced by a duller, flatter layer of black. It is just the night. Creeping up on the world as it does at the end of every day. Tucking us under its wings, and lulling us to sleep beneath its weight.

*

Good night.

Hola

We're having a lazy Sunday here - the best kind of a Sunday to have.
Slept in - ate breakfast that included some really great strawberry rhubarb jam that I found at the farmer's market yesterday - walked downtown to sit in front of Starbucks with lattes - and now we're making turkey burger sliders. Yum.

Peace out*

A Promise.

Stephen (or Steven - how embarrassing that I don't know) and Emily have vowed to help me come up with either:
a) a skateboard
or
b) a longboard

I do not wish to pay $180 for either, and that is the only price I seem to be able to locate them at. Hopefully, S & E will find some penniless high schooler who wants to trade her/his board for a few bucks.

See - now your commitment to aiding my cause is on the internet and you are indebted to holding up your end of the bargain.

Oh, and please inform me of the correct spelling of S's name. That way I will not humiliate myself publicly. again.

Sick

My boy is sick. He is curled up in bed and has been for the past 5 hours or so. In typical man-like fashion, he cannot really articulate what hurts or what he needs but I know he must really feel crappy to come home early from work. That never happens.

So I am doctoring. My recipe for doctoring includes chicken noodle soup, some on-sale homeopathic stuff from the market and heavy blankets washed with tide, hot from the dryer. That, my friends, will put us on the road to wellness.

I had a productive day today - meeting with some freelance clients, discovering where I can find a secure wireless connection on the side of the road if pulling over to check my e-mail becomes a necessity, volunteering myself for something I shouldn't have (since I just decided that I need to make a concerted effort to rest...not be busy), going to the gym, designing some cheap business cards with the help of Office Max (not the ideal end result - but pretty darn good at $29.99 for a custom design and 250 cards), and going to the grocery....twice.

I am pretty certain I'll come down with something since the boy is sick and I share the same square footage with him....but I need to be well tomorrow for a project. So I can be sick on Friday but must be well on Saturday because it is finally supposed to stop hailing/snowing here and magically warm to the mid-60's.
Hello global warming.

Ciao, lovelies.

A Summation

Happy Monday!
Just a quick note to update you about the interesting things that occurred over the last 3 days.

On Saturday...
I was invited to an amazing dinner party where I ate mussels for the first time and discovered that I actually like them. I also ate a lot of other great food and had stellar wine and got to talk about art all night long. Which made me very, very happy.

On Sunday...
I rested.

On Monday...
I ran into a girl I went to high school with. I have not seen anyone I went to high school with, since high school. Since my freshman year of college, I have never been back to the town I attended high school in. It was trippy.

On Monday I found a great corn soft taco and pico de gallo for $3.50 in a hole in the wall downtown.

On Monday I also completed the final part of the chapter of my professional life I am closing. Moving on from. It was nice to get a bit of closure.

And now it is time for Jon & Kate Plus 8. Then Samantha Who. Then Sex & the City.

Halleluj.

Trying to Make Up My Mind...

I can't decide if my blog should be more like
this
or
this.

Shall I be wickedly funny and honest? Or cute and aesthetically pleasing??

Hot Hair

Omg.
Check out the lovely Emily's new hair.
Super cute.

Happy Birthday

Today is my mom's birthday.
Happy birthday, mom.
Here is what I hope you are eating, in honor of another year:

And I wish I was eating them with you. They look dang good.
I love you.

That Girl

I love it. Jeans, long hair, a huge blue bag. The only thing I would change is the shoes. I think she's wearing boots and I would switch them out for flip-flops.
I just want a life where I can wear jeans, a t-shirt, and flip-flops every day.

Please fashionistas, don't be horrified. I promise to at least have great hair, like this girl.

Image from here.

Sk8r Girl

I want a long board.
I am serious.
I want to learn how to skate board.

I want to skateboard down the street with a sparkly beverage in one hand - holding my balance with the other.

Is that legal???!!!

A Better Monday

Today is the first Monday I've experienced in a *long while* where my first instinct at the end of the day was not to lay on the floor and stare at the ceiling struggling to decompress.

I think that's a good sign - although right now, nothing necessarily feels good. Mostly, everything seems confusing and tangled and blurry. And mostly, I feel crappy. As per usual, I have convinced myself that I am at fault and responsible for what has been done to me. Even though it is not my fault and I worked very hard to create something positive.

But. I am working hard (or as hard as I can) to move beyond it, to remember what I love about life and where I find joy and remember who I am because of the experiences I've had. In every ugly black cloud of nastiness, there is opportunity.

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I was tired of the old blog. It was so focused on a particular year of my life and the way I was feeling and the muck I was wading through - I wanted it to go away. I wanted a blank slate. Tabula rasa. So here it is. A recounting of the journey, of moving from the dark to the light, of falling down and remembering that it is possible to get back up (although a lot of stumbling will probably be involved). Thanks for joining me.